Facials for Your Vagina: Who Would Have Thunk It?

Pssst, hey ladies, over here! Is your banana basket looking dull of late? Is it missing that natural glow, that radiance, that je ne sais quoi? Would you like to boost your confidence in the streets AND in the sheets? I recommend you try “vagacials” for a NEW and IMPROVED kitty kat.

I know what you’re thinking, “Why is she such a terrible sales person?” I’m sorry you had to find out like this but I’m actually a Geography major, plus I’ve never actually  made an attempt to revamp my pink portal. Fortunately, I did a bit of research and here are four reasons you should absolutely get a facial for your honeypot;

1. It’s basically a spa day but for your yoni; exfoliation, masks, massages and tweezing (goodbye ingrown hairs!)
2. It removes dead skin cells (Did you know your Portal of Venus has DEAD skin cells? You know that stuff that causes blackheads and whiteheads? Well, now you know how to get rid of them. You’re welcome).
3. Exterior only – nothing actually goes inside your ermm excuse my French, snake charmer (Judging from the articles I’ve read  this cleanse has the power to transform your vajayjay into Vulvarine)
4. It smoothens out bumps and evens skin tone (Considering my entire body is 50 shades of brown, I’m tempted to visit the nearest spa and get myself a brand new coochie).
5. It boosts your self-confidence and you learn to love your canal more. (Hello bikinis! Besides I’m pretty sure your partner won’t complain either)

If a vagacial doesn’t tickle for fancy, and you’re in the market for something more aesthetically pleasing, don’t fret, I have two more recommendations for you. Drumroll please… “merkins“, yup you heard it here folks wigs for your flower pot, they come in all sizes, colours and shapes. Again, if the Hairy Potter look doesn’t resonate with you then “vajazzling” might be for you. I don’t comprehend why you’d need to pay someone to decorate your nether regions in all honesty, my niece has plenty of glitter.

I’ll leave the details pertaining the methods for enhancing and rejuvenating your yum yum below. In all my years, I simply cannot fathom how I convinced myself; shaving, slapping on some baby oil, eating strawberries and pineapples was enough to maintain a top tier lady bud. Please may you join me as I take a moment of silence for my ignorance.

Additional readings:

1. https://www.cosmo.ph/beauty/skin/what-is-vagacial-a1014-20190823
2. https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/dbc7a1bd-979b-4422-8996-31179bd4b643
3. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a12483619/vajazzling-video/