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Fleshlig_t: For men who can’t control their sexual urges

Sex & Relationships

Fleshlig_t: For men who can’t control their sexual urges

Introducing the fleshlight mastubator! It’s a convenient little thing for you to put your private parts in when you are overwhelmed by your hormones.

Man cant conrtol his urges

Welcome to the fleshlig_t demonstration.

Where are all those men who suffer from not being able to restrain themselves when they see a woman wearing what she likes?

Please step forward and sit right here for this product demonstration.

Introducing the fleshlight mastubator! It’s a convenient little thing for you to put your private parts in when you are overwhelmed by your hormones.

Rapists

Why go out and rape someone when you can have this little toy at arm’s length? Apparently it’s even better than the real thing. As an added bonus, it comes with it’s own lubrication.

WAP haters

If you think women’s bodily fluids are yucky or have ever described her vagina as a “dam” buy the fleshlig_t to avoid slippery slopes. You can pour the lube to your exact specification and in the words of Kendrick Lamar, “you dive in it.”

Office sexual pests

When you’re in the office, and you get all hot and bothered by a lady in the office, just get your fleshlig_t, dash to the bathroom and handle your business. It’s portable and fits right into your laptop bag. No more pesky sexual harassment hearings.

Mr Dig Bick

Is your dick so big that you feel a woman’s vagina’s looseness? Well, the fleshlig_t has been modelled after the cootchies of adult film stars and you know they are the symbol of chastity, right up there with Mary. You can stretch out all the fleshlig_ts you want and just buy a new, tighter one everytime.

Rape apologist

If you struggle with the concept of consent but you don’t want to go to jail. Get the fleshlig_t. It has no mouth so it can’t say no. It’s go time whenever you’re ready. It was built for this so duh it owes you sex like all the time. You have the receipt to prove it.

My child cost me my fun

Has your wife just given birth to your big headed baby and now you think sex with her isn’t as tight as it used to be? Instead of getting a small house with who knows what STI, get the fleshlig_t. Go home and help your wife with YOUR baby.

My wife won’t give it up

Your wife acting up? Does she keep saying she has a headache? Instead of throwing it in her face that you paid lobola in full, why not get the fleshlig_t? It has no head so no headache. Also, you get to lobola it from the store for only US$55. It’s the inanimate sex toy that you think women are.

Baby mama dramas

Are your baby mommas lying on your name? Have they gone all Billie Jean on you but you know for a fact that the kid is not your son? Are you now an advocate for mandatory DNA tests immediately after childbirth? Why not get the fleshlig_t instead? It has no womb, so no baby and no problem.

If you don’t have US$55 to buy the fleshlig_t, then it means you can’t afford your urges. Instead of being a sexual predator, use that energy to phusha, phanda and get a job so that you can afford your vices.

*If you missed the sarcasm in this post, I will hit you over the head with a fleshlig_t.

Honestly speaking, the fleshlight is what men have been praying for. Sex without any responsibilities. If you don’t buy the fleshlig_t and go on to commit sexual crimes, you’ll go to jail. If you buy the fleshlig_t, you’ll still go to jail because peddling sex toys is a crime in Zimbabwe. You’re between a rock and a hard place. The hard place isn’t your dick, it’s your head cause you’re thick as a brick.

 

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It's your girl! Natively fluent in speaking hard facts. I'm from the City of Kings, born and bred njenge sinkwa! Well versed in women's issues ngazathi libhayibhili. Ang'so mngan' wakho!

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